My dear friend, you are doing better then you know or give yourself credit for. It seems that we human beings are addicted to our suffering. It has made grooves in our brains…  and it fascinates the mind endlessly. So in a way what brings about a new perspective, a new consciousness is to be total in our comittment to seeing things/life/ourselves in new ways. To make a choice for a greater truth and possibility in each moment when ever anything arises that is not love or peace. To make that choice, no matter how we feel, good or bad. To know that all states are passing like clouds, the good ones and the bad ones.  All equal.
It is helpful to consider that even pain is love, perhaps even a greater love because it consistently points to the way back home. So love yourself including the pain and the addictions to “your” suffering and old habits…  Love is the way and it is the way home, no judgment, complete forgiveness and beyond to honoring your journey with all it’s aspects, the pain the sorrow, the brokenness, all of it. Your Sacred Exploration.  That is all.  I stopped chasing the carrot of enlightenment and just started accepting that I am here in the struggle and the crossfire of human and divine, of animal selfish nature and divine loving nature. And what ever life brings me I can choose acceptance and honoring of what is there, and bring to it love and compassion including for myself…  that is the key.  Hug yourself, cry with yourself, be with yourself, so completely that it goes beyond “selfishness” It goes right into the Divine heart, the Sacred Heart.  I wrote a song about that:  SACRED HEART from the CD FLOWING INTO ONE.              bless you     much love    Angelika